(Confession: I’ve always wanted to use that as an Instagram caption.)
I’m gonna get real in this post, guys. Get ready. Basically, I am leaving tomorrow for a 2 week long solo road trip. While the blog has continued to run and look like everything is peachy keen, the fact is that things have not been great for me lately. The past few months have been incredibly hard and not for any one particular reason, but for a multitude of reasons all piling up and feeling overwhelmingly crushing. I started to list them as I write this post and when it’s all spelled out, it seems so trivial — work has been slow… I’m not able to rock climb because of an injury… I’m constantly exhausted and struggling to maintain focus. The list goes on and on, but at the root of it is that I struggle with depression. I have for years and I’ve touched on it here, but never in a big way. Currently, the deep dark abyss is looming and I know it. But here’s the thing, I’ve been there before and I am not going back. I refuse. So it’s time to do something about it.
It all comes down to the fact that I have not taken time for myself in so so SO long. When was the last time I did something that I wanted simply because I wanted to do it? I truly cannot remember. When was the last time I did something on my own without checking in or telling someone or even posting an Instagram? Nope, I don’t even know. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my independence and free spirit and I am utterly depleted. I’ve become wrapped up in caring for others when I so badly need to take care of myself. The fact is that I’ve become toxic to most of my relationships because I haven’t taken care of myself and am instead beginning to suck those relationships dry. I’m needy, I’m pushing away, I’m crying (constantly), I sleep or I don’t sleep. I am entirely depleted. It feels like I need to hit the reset button in a big way.
That’s why I started daydreaming about taking a road trip through Washington to Idaho to Montana to Wyoming and back again. A solo trip feels so hugely urgent to me right now… in fact, it feels like it’s the only way for me to move forward in my life instead of staying totally mired in this depression. Mountains and fresh air are practically band aids for my soul and I’m hoping that a 2 week dose of them and sleeping in my beloved truck with my dog will help me get back on my feet.
I have this fear that I’m simply running away from my problems and not addressing them. But instead, my fervent hope is that this road trip will give me the space to get away from my day-to-day distractions and find some clarity about how to move forward. I’m hoping to clear the noise and focus only on what’s in front of me, something I haven’t been able to do in so long.
I’m not really sure what my plan is for staying in touch while I’m road tripping. I’ll probably post the odd Instagram or two, but I really just want to take the time for myself away from the voices (real and digital) of others. I’ve got some really great posts scheduled to keep you guys stoked while I’m away and, I promise, I will be back — hopefully just a happier, more grounded person.
Thanks for your continued support as I sort things out.
xo – Joanna
Photography by Danfredo Photo + Films.