Last night I had dinner and drinks with a college friend I hadn’t seen in… 8ish years and it really got me thinking a LOT. We basically did the 5 minute version each of where we’ve been in that time and what’s happened in our lives. For example, in that time, I moved across the country 3 times. When you lay it all out like that… well, you’re bound to have this moment of overwhelming, abounding perspective. Or at least I did. It all kinda hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time I saw my friend, I was in a relationship that was on and off (and on and off and on… and off…) and totally unhappy with my work situation. I specifically remember at that time that I really, truly believed that that was it, that was my life from here on out. Now I know better. I’ve reinvented myself and my situation over and over since then… and I think I’m getting the hang of this thing called ‘life’ more than ever before.

There’s proof, too: I’ve decided to bring people into my life who can help me with things I’m not good at doing myself. For example, I’ve been working with Annie from Live Simply to get my home organized and I’m about to sign on to work with Lauren D. Russo for some coaching and help getting some structure back in my life. Plus, I’m even thinking about working with a financial advisor. There was something about turning 30 that made me want to get all of my ducks in a row. Actually, it was that thought plus the realization that I can’t keep going it alone, I need help. In some instances, it felt like what I’ve been doing up until this point hasn’t been working for me, so I need to try something new… or I just need help breaking through and taking things to the next level. Either way, I’m so grateful and excited to see how this all plays out.

There’s something else, too… I’ve done all of this on my own. I’ve never had a partner supporting me, footing the bill if I have a slow month. I’ve always relied solely on my skills and I am damn proud of that. To me, that is a huge testament to what I’ve built and how I’ve personally and professionally grown. I don’t mean to be disparaging toward people who do have partners, not at all. And really, part of my pride in doing it all on my own comes from the jealousy I feel toward people with partners. I WISH I could take time off to regroup sometimes, but instead I just have to keep going. If I had a partner to help share the burden of rent, bills, dog and cat food… well, then I could take some damn time off.

But anyways, back to perspective… I realized over wine and dessert last night that I really am doing ok, despite how hectic things feel on a daily basis. I look around and see so many people getting engaged, married, having babies, owning houses and it’s hard to suppress the lump in my throat that suffocates me and tells me I ‘should’ be living my life differently. Those are all things that I want, but I’ve also made the decision that my career and my vision are way more important to me. While everyone else has been doing normal life ‘stuff,’ I’ve been building my personal ’empire’ to quote my friend Mike. I just have to constantly remind myself of that as I scroll through facebook sometimes. It’s hard.

I don’t even know where I’m going with all of this. I just know that these realizations have been important to me and I wanted to share.

photo from my Instagram — follow me here!